Every time I look at a guy while he's talking his "game" to me. I wonder, "Does he get it?" And if I ask that question all of a sudden, would he even understand what I'm talking about.

I know that as he's talking he's probably (one) trying to picture me naked, (two) wondering if I'm as freaky as the books that I write and/or (three) wondering how fast he can get that freak in the nearest bed.

While I'm looking at him talk, I'm wondering (one) does he have good teeth (two) determining is he a one time, couple of months or forever, http://loveablackwoman.blogspot.com/2005/08/one-time-couple-of-months-forever-or.html (three) Does he get it?

For all the guys that don't understand women, we have a different language than you. In your language while you seem to need long explanations to things but you don't want to hear us talk, our language has short explanations that mean a lot.

So when I say, Does he get it? I'm saying:

I want to get freaky physically, mentally, and emotionally

I want a sexual relationship with an open mind from him.

I want him to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation

I want him to have a sense of humor and not take everything so damn serious

I want to be able to depend on him in a time of need whether physically, mentally and emotionally.

I want him to be thoughtful with boundless intimacy

I want him to take care of his business and not bring the streets into our home

I want him to know that our house is OUR castle our sanctuary our heaven and that he should not have to run the streets in order to feel at peace.

I want him to be honest caring truthful and kind to me. Even if the truth is going to hurt me, I would rather know it from him than finding it out from somewhere else

I want to be just a lunch, dinner and midnight snack at least once a month with nothing in return for no reason at all.

I want to wake up some mornings and see a nice pink rose on his pillow and a note saying how much he appreciates me in his life.

I want to feel like there is no other woman in his life as wonderful as me

I want to get a chocolate kiss with nuts or caramel for no reason at all three days before Aunt Dottie moves in cause he knows I'm gonna need it real bad at 2am in the morning.

I want to be held all night after lovemaking like a security blanket once in a while cause we just rocked each other's worlds.

I know we can't have great mind-blowing se all the time but can you light the candles for once first or draw the nice warm bath or bring me breakfast in bed?

And finally I want you to indulge in creative intimacy. Not just in our bedroom, but secret displays of whispers in the ear in public, caressing my lower back, showing up at my job unannounced taking me to lunch (and more), hugging me real hard in front of ya boyz and putting me on the butt, LOL. Sending me wild flowers to my job to make my other co-workers jealous, putting real flowers in my vase that I keep fake flowers in by the television, sending a card through the mail just because, buying that DVD you know I said I wanted when that preview came on while we were watching another movie. Waking me up early Saturday morning, dragging me out the bed, and then dropping me off at my hairdressers and telling me to get out the car and get my hair done and that you've prepaid for everything. Putting however many months we've been dating balloons on my doorknob, so I'll get them when I go out for work in the morning. (do I need to keep going?)
You do that and more and you'll definitely get it and have me forever.

 This month's blog is devoted to Male/Female Relationships. Specifically it is about Love in these relationships. Have you ever wanted to have a complete, fulfilling, and unconditional type of Love in your relationship with your significant other? So have I. But until recently, I did not know that my current "practice" of Love, (a practice I call Love American Style) prevented me from having this.

            A significant portion of my life had passed before I realized that my "Love American Style" practice kept me from having the type of Love I wanted. "Love American Style" is calling the satisfaction of wants and needs Love. For example, when I met a woman I was physically attracted to and she satisfied a number of my wants and needs, I thought that these acts were manifestations of Love. Sadly for me, this idea about Love was an unconscious one and I didn't realize that what I was calling Love was nothing more than the satisfaction of my wants and/or needs.

            The Love American Style "practice" of Love that I engaged in kept me from having a complete, fulfilling and unconditional type of Love. I did not know that this type of Love was NOT Love because of its conditional nature. Love based upon wants and needs like this, is conditional because wants and needs change. They never stay the same. The wants and needs I have as a 45 year old man is much different than those I had when I was 15, 25 or 35. They are also conditional because they will not be satisfied forever. In my case the wants and needs that I had grown accustomed to receiving from my mate over time did stop. Resultantly, over time I thought that her love for me was subsiding. But I now know that this was not the case. Her cessation of these so called "love acts" did not mean that her Love for me had stopped. It simply meant that as she grew and evolved as a person (which we all do in life) her expressions of Love for me grew and changed as well.

            But I did not know any of this at the time. So I held onto my narrow view and wound up becoming a part of the statistics common in those relationships where the Love American Style of Love is practiced.

      This style of Love is characterized by the following:

•1.                    A 49% divorce rate for first time marriages in the United States; (2006 Edition of Divorce Magazine)

•2.                  A 60% divorce rate for second time marriages in the United States; (2006 Edition of Psychology Today)

•3.                  A desire to have a complete, fulfilling and unconditional type of Love but rarely receiving or giving it;

•4.                  Practicing a form of Love which is limited and conditional.

            It was not until I made the following analysis that I began to "see" exactly what I was doing that was preventing me from having what I said I wanted. I asked myself the following: 

• 1. Whose idea was it to practice Love in this kind of way?
• 2. Where did this idea come from?
• 3. Did I make a conscious decision to engage in male/female relationships in this way or was the decision made unconsciously as that was all that I knew?
• 4. Is the "Love American Style" idea about Love true? (meaning there are no other ways to "practice" Love)
• 5. And finally, was this an idea about Love that will stand the test of time?

            The objective answering of these questions helped me tremendously. When I engaged in a "practice" not consciously chosen by me, it should not have been surprising to see that the end result had not been pretty.

            Many yearn for an unconditional type of Love in their relationships. However I had to find out the hard way that unconditional loving relationships cannot exist in limited Love practicing styles. That's like attempting to place all of the water from the Pacific Ocean into a coffee mug that is in the kitchen cabinet. The water won't fit! We need a different practice, "A Better Way" in relationships that will allow us to be able to receive all of the ocean water and more.

            See you next month when an UNCONDITIONAL LOVE STYLE practice for male/female relationships is discussed. "A Better Way" which will allow us to have what we say we want. An Unconditional type of Loving Relationship!    

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Survey reveals women's attitudes and behavior towards money

by Kathy Chaney

The economy could be in a continual downward spiral, and many Black women are not prepared to comfortably survive, financially, if things got worse. But that wouldn't stop them from opening their wallets to treat themselves, based on a recent survey from the ING Foundation.

With the United States facing an economic crisis on all levels, including rising food and gas costs and a high unemployment rate, the foundation randomly contacted 1,000 Black women to find out if they are financially geared to stand strong against the tide or has money preparedness slipped on their priority list.

"What we have here is a financial perfect storm. An inclination to spend combined with an extraordinary desire to help others financially has left many Black women behind the curve in terms of savings. The research points to a ‘Preparedness Paradox.' Black women have high confidence in their ability to achieve their financial goals and consider themselves knowledgeable about investing, yet they are behind where they thought they'd be financially," said Rhonda Mims, president of the ING Foundation and senior vice president of ING's Office of Corporate Citizenship & Responsibility.

ING sponsored the telephone survey in partnership with ESSENCE magazine.

From May 1-18, 2008, Black women across the country, ages 18 to their early 60s, who made at least $25,000 per year, were questioned about Black women's attitudes and behaviors regarding money, saving and investing.

Almost seven in 10 of the Black women surveyed-or 68 percent-say they buy what they want-in good times or bad, and many make unplanned purchases when they are feeling stressed.

Esther Hardy can relate to those women who won't cut the purse strings, even when the economy looks gloomy.

As a married mother of three and a banking professional, Hardy said she firmly believes in investing. But, in her role as wife/mother, her family is her main priority, and she often finds herself last on the list.

"Once in a while when I see something I love, I must treat myself to it, whether the economy is good or bad. Life is short, and I believe you must treat yourself once in a while!" the 30-something Hardy said.

A Seattle, Wash. native, now a Chicago resident, agrees with Hardy.

"I will gladly admit I am part of the 68 percent. I do buy what I want if I have it to buy in a good or bad economy. I am a work in progress," said Angela Brooks.

Brooks, who is also in her 30s but is single and has no children, said with age came wisdom. Her money management skills are far better than her younger days and have been a top priority for several years.

"As I have gotten older, the need to save and invest has started taking more precedence. Primarily as the realities of not having a two-income household diminishes every day and the reality that I may have to see this through long term by myself makes me become more diligent in the long-term plan," she said.

She also added that she hasn't contributed to the collection plate at church as often as she should.

Mims said oftentimes Black women are pulled in so many directions financially, something or someone has to pay the price.

For many of those women, the thing that suffers most is their financial well-being.

Black women are less likely than other women, 56 percent versus 66 percent, to have a financial plan, the survey revealed.

When asked why, the results stated that 73 percent said they just hadn't gotten around to it; 55 percent said they didn't think they had enough money to warrant it; 53 percent didn't know how to go about it; 51 percent were reluctant to disclose all their financial information and 23 percent didn't think it was important to have a financial plan.

Mims said single mothers with little- to-no help find it difficult to be the sole provider.

"They want to be committed to the church, devoted to their family and take care of the children and also pay for child care. It's hard for them to envision the day when they can actually put some money away that will grow," Mims said.

Carrie Cameron, a 20-year-old single mother of a 1 year old considers herself an anomaly.

She doesn't know how she does it, but somehow she is able to make ends meet and save money separately for her and her daughter.

"I make barely above minimum wage and I make sure my bills are paid and that I put a little something aside for myself and my baby" said Cameron, a part-time nursing student and full-time restaurant employee.

Cameron, who lives with her mother, said her paycheck allows her to pay her phone bill, keep gas in her car and buy the necessities that she and her daughter need. She is also able to set aside about $25 each month in savings for herself and puts $1 each day in her girl's piggy bank.

"It's a start. When I am able to make more, I'll increase the amounts," she said.

For women who need to shore up their financial planning, Mims suggests they create a financial plan and never be afraid to ask for help; invest in their company's retirement plan and join an investment club for women.

Mims also has two words for college students who are inundated with credit card applications.

"Stay away!" Mims cautioned. "Learn how to resist those. Don't create any bills for yourself."

Hardy, Brooks and Cameron did not participate in the survey.

The Prostitute Within©

     When you think about a prostitute, typically it is a woman or man that has sex in exchange for money, drugs, a place to sleep, food etc. It is a profession, lifestyle or existence that if given better options and/or choices or opportunities, that woman or man might chose differently. Generally a person prostitutes for what they feel is for their financial and/or physical survival. However, there is another kind of prostitute, and you have been, are now, or might become this kind of prostitute; it is the prostitute that lies within your own mind. This prostitute lives comfortably within you and subtly comes out when you feel your survival or what you deem as your security (financial, emotional, spiritual, mental, physical) security is threatened.

**Prostitute – to negotiate ones integrity or spirit due to financial or physical survival or for financial gain; to sell (oneself, one’s services, one’s artistic or moral integrity etc.) for low or unworthy purposes.

     Here are several examples of how you could prostitute yourself:

1) Working at a job that you hate, 2) staying in an unhappy, toxic, inharmonious relationship (personal or business), 3) doing things to always please someone else, especially when it is not reciprocated, 4) not pursuing what you love (hobby, career, etc.) 5) being involved with/or in any person, group, or organization, behavior or acts that are against your morals, beliefs, or integrity, 6) not living your divine calling or life’s purpose. There are however many very subtle ways that your inner prostitute reveals itself, and those are when you do things that you really do not want to do but they are for someone that you love or are close to such as: babysitting, repairing something, making loans (money or items), using your car, moving into your home temporarily, etc.

     Your inner prostitute is a very strong personality and it is fueled by your self-love and self-esteem. Self-love and self-esteem is also the foundation for your integrity, morality, character and self-respect. A person with self-love and high self-esteem will render their inner prostitute powerless. A person with self-hatred and low self-esteem virtually gives all their power over to their inner prostitute. For instance: a person with self-love and high self-esteem will not:   1) accept a higher paying job that asks you to ”turn your head” and look the other way while the company engages in illegal or immoral activity,                   2) be in a relationship where they are being disrespected, lied to, cheated on, misused, taken for granted or abused,                                                                 3) be in a relationship for financial reasons or ”security”,                                     4) being the flunky, fall-guy or lackey of a person, job or group.

     The easiest way to dis-empower your inner prostitute is to honor your truth. That means to not to do anything that in your heart you really do not want to do. You usually can tell if you are honoring your truth by paying close attention to how you feel after you have made a decision If you feel good, free or like a burden has been lifted off of your shoulders, more than likely you have made the right choice. If you feel angry, resentment, fear, regret, uncertainty, or if you keep pondering about the issue in your mind, you probably made the wrong choice. You are not honoring your truth; therefore you have just prostituted yourself.

     It is important to be clear about who you are, what you do and do not want and what you will and will not stand for, which in turn assists in establishing your integrity and character. Once you have done that, then you can determine and set your personal boundaries, which is the line that your inner prostitute nor anyone else can cross.

Ask yourself these questions:

1)  Where is your inner prostitute? (** re-read the definition of a prostitute)

2)  What is your negotiating price?

3)  What are your personal boundaries or the rules that you have for interactions with others (i.e. morality, relationships, sexual matters, your personal possessions, your talents or services etc.)?

4)  Who have you let violate your personal boundaries?

5)  How did you allow them to violate it?

6)  Why did you allow them to violate it?

     Once you honestly answer these questions you will begin to unveil parts of yourself that need to be acknowledged, dissected, healed and then released. You might reveal deep-seeded emotions, which are the true motivating factors for the choices that you have made (i.e. needing love, attention, acceptance, encouragement, approval etc.). There is a wonderful YOU waiting to be birthed, a YOU that Loves, honors and respects itself hereby receiving it from others, and then you will no longer solicit the services of the Prostitute Within.

Ma’at Seba, is a Motivational Healer, writer, spiritual guide, lecturer, Maatseba@Yahoo.com